Thought Follows Action

Brochure

Divorce: Can we prevent it?

Divorce: Can we prevent it?

Divorce today has become as common as a marriage. “Today’s infographic lays out some surprising information about divorce rates in America. It turns out that approximately 50% of all American marriages end in divorce. What a sad statistic! What’s the point of getting married if half of them fail anyway?” (http://dailyinfographic.com/divorce-in-america-infographic.)
I think you stand more chances in lottery than a successful marriage! Can we change this fate? I think Yeah.
Statistics indicate that divorce rate started rising up from 1960 to 1980 steeply. Before 1960, ‘Divorce’ was an alarming word. If we had to talk about it we needed to whisper in a corner, away from children; but today it has become a fashion! The teacher starts class at the beginning of the semester saying, “Students, you know me as Leticia Smith but now I am Leticia Burke because three months back I had a divorce.” And no one is surprised! A second grader tells his friends, “I am going to live in my dad’s house next week”. And no one is surprised!

As we all know divorce is a legal break up between the married couple called wife and husband. The reasons for break up are also very common. Every few days we hear someone ends relations and say:

“She is too much. She doesn’t want to take any responsibility and on top of it argue for every single

thing that I do. She wants everything done in her own way. I am like no one! Enough is enough.” (Responsibility)

“I am sure he has some affair. How can he be so late everyday and have no interest in the household at all? What is the use of marriage? Am I meant to take care of kitchen and kids only?” (Infidelity)

“It was far better before marriage. I could dress, drink, dance, spend, meet friends, and live in my own style. He promised me all this and showed all rosy dreams and now he wants me to do double shift! Not me. (Unrealistic expectations)

“I never agreed on having no child at all. I just meant first couple of years. It‘s now three years, we can surely afford a child. What is a home without a child? All my friends already have a couple of them. If you don’t agree I quit.” (Conflict over child)

Apparently, and as mentioned in the book the common reasons of the divorce are:

Arguing

Infidelity

Unrealistic expectations

Conflict over child

Inequality

Abuse etc.
Although, I agree with these reasons, I personally feel that above cited reasons are not the real causes. These are the conflicts and issues. I think the root causes from where these issues stem

are:

Lack of love, giving rise to lack of commitment, and lack of communication.

Ego

Lack of Understanding

If you genuinely love your partner, you will be prepared to do many things for your partner. You will not argue but try to sort out the problem amicably. If you love someone genuinely, there is no question of cheating and infidelity. If you love your partner you will not expect unrealistic things but jointly try to achieve the goals. Conflicts like having child or not can be solved by discussing all pros and cons seriously and acting on best outcomes. While there is love abuse will not be there. If you keep ego aside and try to understand you will realize that complete compatibility and equality is never possible; because no one is hundred percent perfect and draw backs exist in both partners.

In my own personal married life of 47 years, there were many conflicts but we didn’t break up. Even petty things hurt our ego and we decide never to deal with that person again and take drastic step. Here is an example. Once, a friend of mine called me and said he was in my town for a day. I wanted to invite him for a meal. On reaching home I told this to my wife. But she said the house was in a mess, there was not enough time and material to prepare a nice meal so it would be a bad show. I thought it was the question of my prestige, my friendship, and my impression. More than that I thought my wife didn’t obey me and it was humiliating that I did not have power to entertain my friend at my home. Secondly it directly meant we were not in good terms. I was extremely furious and ignored my wife for not less than a week. Long time after

this, I thought over this incident and felt where she was wrong? What would have I done in her place? Why could I not tell the friend frankly that it was not convenient to have meal at home so we have it outside? Obviously it was all a matter of mindlessness. Appropriate approach would not have created this ridiculous situation. In these circumstances we are emotionally inflicted and we feel like giving up living together and end up relationship.

Once the negative thought of break up stems in your mind, you are carried away by ego. Your ego doesn’t let you surrender though you realize your mistake. There is lack of communication and the door to reconciliation is closed. The game is over. You have lost.
So the bottom line is the emotional and psychological factors responsible for breach of good relationships. If there is genuine love, understanding, mindfulness,and control on false ego then most of the divorces can be avoided. The research has found that one out of three divorced couples wanted to reunite after some time.

Love

Love

I think there is no more mysterious, exciting, sentimental, and fascinating phenomenon than love. Everybody has experienced love but everyone’s definition of love is different. There is plethora of definitions about love:

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” ― William Shakespeare, All's Well That Ends Well.

Love is a divine feeling.

Love is blind

Love is Attraction

Love is obsession.

Love is attachment

Love is commitment

Love is intimacy

Love is just lust

Love is patience

Love is sacrifice

Love is all pervading

Love is a sacred relationship

Love is emotional and physical needs

'Love is chemistry'

Love is a platonic phenomenon

Indeed there is no end to the definitions; it just varies from person to person depending upon how love manifests to each one.

“Love is an intense feeling for someone without whom you can’t live and for whom you are prepared to do anything.” This was my notion, when at sixteen I fell headlong in love with a girl.

Then in 1956, I saw William Holden and Jennifer Jones’s film “Love is a many splendored thing.” I was simply obsessed by this touching and moving film and could not get off it for a week. I thought, “Love is mirage”. You see the truth yet you believe it is illusion. You see the disaster yet you feel it is splendid.

I think our idea of love keeps on changing as per our experience, time and place. Even our own definition about love changes over the time. What I thought of love at sixteen seems to me infatuation
In summer 2007, I went to visit some beautiful cities in India with my daughter and grand kids. One evening as we returned home after sightseeing and relishing dinner in a famous restaurant, my grandson, Raul, my heart throb, began to complain of tummy ache. By midnight he started purging, turned weak and pale. He also got fever as high as 104 F. We gave him some medicine and kept ice cold pads throughout the night but it didn’t work. We contacted the doctor; she suspected food poisoning and advised us to admit him in the hospital. Early morning, his health took a serious turn; he became delirious, began to smile, muter something weird and his eye balls were fixed on one side. This was an appalling scene. I screamed out, “Oh God, you can take my life but please make him well.” He was rushed to the hospital, admitted in ICU and the doctors said, “His condition is critical but hope he will respond to the treatment.” He did.

When such a thing happens; pain of someone reflexes your heart, it is love. My definition became, “Love is when your beloved’s exhilaration is more important than your own.”

Love manifests in a many different ways.

Once, my granddaughter, Riya, not even one year went for the routine check up and her primary doctor suspected her right leg knee cloaking. She advised us to see the expert for detail check up. Unfortunately it came to light that she had a problem in the knee joint. As per the expert she needed to go through a major surgery to reset the joints. Even after that it was not certain that she would have normal movement of the leg. On hearing this her father, who is quite brave and controlled minded person, lost his consciousness and fell down hurting his chin. This is another example of the manifestation of love. My definition here changed to “Love is

such a deep attachment that if your loved one is at threat, it transforms your physic and chemistry.”

As per our text book, “MARRIAGES, FAMILIES, & INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS” by Brian, Stacy & Carl:
“Love is intimacy with caring for and commitment to another person.”

Sounds pretty much appropriate but I still have number of questions like :

Does it apply to humans only?

Where does it stem from?

If there is this blissful feeling of love in every living being, where does hatred come from?

If love is one splendid thing why it is subjective?

The wheel theory suggests that love develops through four stages:

Rapport

Self revelation

Mutual dependency and

Intimacy

6. Then what about the mother and the child love that begins right from the birth of a child!
7. Biologically, love is a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst.
8. Again if it is a set of chemicals: pheromones, dopamine, nor epinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and

vasopressin; can we make love in a test tube?
I think, I need to reflect more and find answers to questions above and beyond!